1. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
2. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
3. There’s a fine line between cuddling an holding someone down so they can’t get away.
4. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
5. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
6. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
7. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
8. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
9. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
10. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
11. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
12. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
13. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss
America ?
16. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
17. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
18. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
19. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
20. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.
21. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
22. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
23. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
24. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
25. If I agree with you, we'd both be wrong.
26. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
27. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
28. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
29. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
30. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
31. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
32. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
33. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
35. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
36. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
And, a few that I made up:
1. Roses are red, violets are blue. So how's that work with 3D glasses?
2. Why is it that the red sports car always looks faster than the black sedan it is following?
I know, two isn't many, but all the good ones were already taken. And here are my three favorites:
1. You're never too old to learn something stupid!
2. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
3. We are the people that our parent's warned us about (Jimmy Buffett).
And, the last one I practice all the time, as you are aware:
1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
And, a few that I made up:
1. Roses are red, violets are blue. So how's that work with 3D glasses?
2. Why is it that the red sports car always looks faster than the black sedan it is following?
I know, two isn't many, but all the good ones were already taken. And here are my three favorites:
1. You're never too old to learn something stupid!
2. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
3. We are the people that our parent's warned us about (Jimmy Buffett).
And, the last one I practice all the time, as you are aware:
1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
And, I do a lot of research. It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.
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