It was an ordinary day. 8:36 am. Overcast. I'm standing along Market Alley talking with some guy wearing a trench coat that's two sizes to big for him. Has his left hand in his coat pocket, moving something around when he tells me to be careful what I say cause somebody is watching us from the window above. Asked me my name and I tell him my friends call me LDub. "You know ... like the letter "L" with a "Dub" after it. Got my hush-puppies on and I never was meant for glitter rock and roll." His voice is gravelly when he says, "They call me when they need me ... and I'm gonna head inside the market house. Give me two and a half minutes and you follow me in. I'll be standing in line at the first stand inside waiting to buy a long john. Peanut butter. That's my favorite. Don't say a word to a soul and head to the upper tier and wait." Or, do you like this better ... It was an ordinary day. The silence is deafening. Then another bullet explodes, sending shock waves through the misty morning air behind the market house. See a guy running east along Market Street with his hand in his trench coat pocket. I knew something was fishy when I saw him stop at the trash receptacle and throw a wrapper from a peanut butter long john into it. OK, which one of these two openings should I use for the start of my first novel? Haven't decided what to call it yet, but I knew I had to start somewhere and I figured I could write a mystery novel about the back streets of downtown Lancaster, since I've been acquainted with the area most of my life and someone told me years ago that you should write what is most familiar to you. Lady by the name of Mrs. Eisenhart; Mrs. Clair Eisenhart. Bless her soul! Was my 10th grade English teacher. "Write something that will make the words flow from your head onto the paper," she used to say to me. Miss that old lady who at one time scolded me for using the word "ain't" in a sentence, since "that isn't even a word," she said. "So, today we headed" ... now that's something else she said never to use to start a sentence; you know ... the word "so". And, by the way, do you leave a space after the word before you use ..., or do you place the ... directly after the word? You have perhaps been reading my stories for the past eight years now and may have wondered what type of writing style I've been using. Betcha can't figure it out yet, since I'm not sure I have a particular writing style. As I may have told you before I barely passed English in college; actually barely passed English in high school, something Mrs. Eisenhart would testify to if she were still alive. Bless her soul! English is still something I'm not real good at. Ah, there I go again using a preposition to end a sentence. The other day I picked up a copy of "The Fishwrapper," which is a semi-religious pamphlet, at our local Stauffers of Kissel Hill Supermarket. Right there on page 4 was what I've been searching for all my writing life. Something called "Important Rules of Writing." 23 rules to make your writing better it said. So, from now on I plan to use these rules. I'm sure Mrs. Eisenhart would approve. Bless her soul! Hope you will have an easier time reading what I write from now on. Just so you know ... here are the rules that will from now on be my writing "Bible." Did you ever notice sometimes I place the "." before the " " " while other times I place the "." after the " " " Not sure which is the correct way, but no one ever seemed to mind. Without further adieu, here are the rules ...
- Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
- Just between you and I case is important.
- Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- Watch out for irregular verbs which have crept into our language.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
- When dangling, don't use participles.
- Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
- Don't write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it.
- About sentence fragments.
- In a letter themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
- Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. (now, I have a tough time with this one)
- Its very important that you use apostrophe's right.
- Don't abbrev.
- Check to see if you have any words out.
- As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
- Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
- The active voice is preferred.
- Use of the passive voice is to be avoided.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- It is important to never ever under any circumstances split an infinitive.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
- Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
OK, ready for the new me? See what you think tomorrow ... and hey, which one of the two starts for my new novel do you like anyway? It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.
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