It was an ordinary day. Reading joke after joke after joke on a joke website. Some are funny while others are...also funny! Some seem to be the same joke I just read, only written in a different type font. Actually the first one in Times Roman was funnier than the second one written in Helvetica. At times I can’t stop from laughing while other times I can’t laugh without stopping. Nah…none are that funny! Now wait…yes there are a few that really are funny, but you’ll have to guess which one was my favorite. I started with about 150 funny jokes and narrowed it down to 149. Thought it might be too much for some of you so I kept eliminating them until I got down too....Oh...I don't know, maybe 16 or 18. OK…You’ll have to count then to see how many I did end up with. Print them out and save them for a time when you are down in the dumps. Then you can safely throw them away without fear of polluting the neighborhood. Did you get that? It was meant to be a joke! It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinarily ordinary guy. PS - Some of these you might find hard to understand...and there are definitely a few you won't understand! Ha, Ha!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Helvetica and Times Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
How does a rabbi make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
Rest in peace to boiling water.
You will be mist.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.
Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
Stop looking! I’m changing!
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Envelope.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay. He woke up.
What are shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What did the house wear to the party?
Address.
What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?
Shore.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop it a line.
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
What did the horse say when he fell down?
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
What do you call an avid gardener?
Herb.
Why was the broom late?
It over swept.
Why don’t lobsters share?
Because they are shellfish.
How do you organize a space party?
Planet.
What are sailors’ favorite fruits?
Navel oranges.
What do you call the King’s rabbit?
The hare to the throne.
Why do fish always sing off-key?
Because you can’t tuna fish
When do you stop at green and go at red?
When you’re eating a watermelon!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
When can peanuts laugh?
When you crack them up!
Why is a pancake like the sun?
Because it rises in the yeast.
What building has the most stories?
The library.
Why should you never use a dull pencil?
It’s pointless.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
They have good soles.
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?
He wanted to get the scoop.
Why did the farmer bury all his money?
To make his soil rich.
How does a cyclist train for a race?
He recycles.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language!
What do you call a grandmother who tells jokes?
A gram cracker.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots.
What do you get if you cross a stereo and a fridge?
Very cool music!
What did the skunk say when the wind changed?
It’s all coming back to me now.
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a heavy metal fan.”
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.
The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it’d be a foot.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Get it?
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
I had a chip implanted in my body.
It was a Cool Ranch Dorito.
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
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