Author: Stephanie Evanko (wrote 04/29/2013) and unedited
To My family and Friends: I’m sorry that I’m such a Mess, I deserve all the evil words spoken to me, and all the time I’ve been disappointed. I don’t know what to even say. I hope that I’ll change and once again be okay. I do all the things I say I won’t do, my dreams & goals (YEAH). I threw them away too. I always claim that I’m a Mother, when in reality I act like a child, and constantly chase “ONE MORE” another. Every time I look into Savannah’s eyes, my heart breaks more because of all the lies, I hate the person that I have become, running from life and wanting to be numb. I ask myself over and over what will it take, I can’t keep living this way, not only for me but for my daughter’s sake. “Mommy was a drug addict and that why she is Dead” my daughter will say, along with broken memories of me in her head. She’ll go & visit my grave and constantly question just why I couldn’t behave. Didn’t I love her, wasn’t that enough making her feelings and trying to be tough. The holiday will come year after year & pass after I die, all because I was selfish & wanted to get high. My parents will raise her and try to do it right, they’ll try their hardest & put up a good fight. All sorts of emotions my mother will feel, and at time ask herself can this be real? Everyday she’ll feel anger and sorrow, trying to reassure my daughter there’s always tomorrow. My father would probably be filled with regret, and do things with Savannah he didn’t do with me, until all his goals are met. My sister would be disappointed & cry, she’d pray to God for the answers to Why? My brother-in-law would be the backbone, and hold his family when they sob & they moan. I’m so ashamed to even claim I’m a Mother, all I’m really worried about is can I get “ANOTHER”.