The "Untimely Sunburn" Story

It was an ordinary day. Carol and I were watching Seinfeld, our all-time favorite sitcom. Tonight’s episode is “The Implant” with Teri Hatcher as Sidra. Anyone remember this one? It’s where Jerry talks Elaine into going into the sauna with Sidra to see if they are real. Close to the end of the show, Kramer claims he saw Salman Rushdie, the famous writer, at the gym. Yeah, right. You remember Rushdie. He was ordered killed by the Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989 for writing “The Satanic Verses”. Kramer confronts him again in the sauna and talks about the Middle East. He tells Kramer his name is Sal Bass. As I’m watching, all of a sudden something hits me. I know the real Salman Rushdie’s wife, Marianne. I dated her when I was in high school. Really! We were both students at Manheim Township High School in Lancaster, PA. I was a senior and she was a sophomore. I only noticed her late in the year, close to the end of the school year. Pretty girl with the short brown hair. I was very shy in high school and didn’t know how to approach her and ask her out on a date. Oh, well. School ended, I graduated and I missed my chance. By dumb luck or by destiny, I saw her a short time later at the Acme Supermarket where I worked part time and got up enough nerve to ask her out. We were going on a double date with my cousin Judy and her boyfriend Lance. I felt safer that way. Headed to the Jersey Shore for a day trip in his neat Olds convertible. Spent the day in the sun on the beach. Too much sun! No tanning lotion! Way too much sun!! On the way home I was miserable from the sunburn. Marianne and I sat in the back with the top down naturally. Didn’t want anything to do with her, since I was miserable from the sunburn. How dumb was that? We returned home and dropped her off at her house and then they dropped me off at my place. I was miserable for the next few days and even missed a day or two of work at the Acme with the sun poisoning I developed. Totally forgot to call Marianne. Big mistake! She kind of faded away in my life, or should I say, I kind of faded away in her life after that date. She went on to fame and fortune as a novelist and professor at USC (eventually divorcing Rushdie) and I went on to an ordinary life. I’m sure she envys me, because I got the better deal! Oh yeah, remember. They were fantastic! It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.