It was an ordinary day. Reading a few jokes in the Readers Digest that were pretty funny. Thought you might be in the mood for a few to lighten your day. Hope you get a good laugh from them! It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
What did one hat say to the other? You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?They each got six months.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
Why did the M&M go to school? It wanted to be a Smartie.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work? In case she needed to draw blood.
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? All of the fans left.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
Why can’t male ants sink? They’re buoy-ant.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
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