It was an ordinary day. Found a website that listed the 100 funniest quotes from the past 100 years. Began to read them and knew I just had to share some of them with you for today's story. So...follow along and don't be afraid to laugh, or at least smile when you come upon one that you enjoy. I have only posted about a third of the quotes, since many that were posted didn't seem too funny to me.
1. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.”
2. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
3. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
4. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller
5. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
6. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
7. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
8. “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” —Erma Bombeck
9. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson
10. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” —Rita Mae Brown
11. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde
12. “Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
13. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen
14. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” —Fran Lebowitz
15. “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
16. “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle
17. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
18. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”—Yogi Berra
19. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” —W.C. Fields
20. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
21. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
22. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” —Anonymous
23. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” —Bo Derek
24. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” —Rita Mae Brown
25. “The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” —Lucille S. Harper
26. “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!'” —Anonymous
27. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” —James Branch Cabell
28. “We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 90%.” —Ellen DeGeneres
29. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly
30. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie
31. “Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t come to yours.” —Yogi Berra
Hope you enjoyed my choices. It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.
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