The "In Flight Humor" Story

It was an ordinary day.  Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "inflight safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.  "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them, with our compliments."  Pilot:  "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land.  It's a bit cold outside, plus, if you were on the wings, it affects the flight pattern."  After landing, "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."  On a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cursing altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."  As a plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"  "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.   Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children and or adults acting like children."  "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."  From the pilot during his welcome message, "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."  On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day and an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."  Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."  From a southwest Airlines employee:  "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight #### to YYY.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt, but if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."  "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank You, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."  An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship onto the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in th eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally, everyone had gotten off except a little, old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no, ma'am," said the pilot. "what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"  After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your sets until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door, and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."   Part of the flight attendants's arrival announcement: "We's like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you think of us here at U.S. Airways."  It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.