The "Restaurant Tips for the Novice" Story

It was an ordinary day.  Carol and I just finished eating in a restaurant on the island of Provo in the Turks and Caicos chain.  Most of our meals were eaten out, since we were on vacation.  One evening after our evening meal we returned back at our resort and pulled up our email.  There was a story that was published by Reader's Digest telling me about 50 secrets that my waiter won't tell me.  Started reading and found it interesting.  Things I would have never thought about.  Some really gross!  Here are a few you may want to watch out for when you eat out, if you ever do so again after reading this.  It was an ordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.

1. Coffee you purchase after 8 PM will almost always be decaf, since the staff doesn't want to have to clean up more than one pot at the end of the evening.
2. Some restaurants that specialize in kids meals will put extra sugar in the pizzas so the kids will like them more.
3. If you are a vegetarian and ask if they use vegetable stock in food preparation they will usually tell you yes, even if they don't.  Figure you won't know the difference anyway.  
4. In a lot of restaurants the special is what they need to sell before it goes bad.
5. I've written this before in my stories, but lemon slices are touched by many and the lemons are never washed.
6. Very few restaurants ever carry skim milk, so if you order skim milk, chances are you are not getting it.
7. If you eat eggs at a breakfast buffet, chances are it is made from a powder.
8. If your food takes a long time to reach you it is probably the kitchen's fault and not the server.
9. Avoid eating at restaurants on Mother's and Valentine's Day.  They are so busy that they won't be able to pay proper attention to you.
10. Don't order fish on Sunday or Monday.  Fish deliveries generally come on mid-week days.
11. If you send your soup back because it isn't hot, they will probably take you spoon and run it under really hot water so when you put it in your mouth you will get the impression it is the soup.
12. If the menu says that the dessert is home-made, it probably is but at a bakery a few miles away.  
13. If you need water or something else, don't snap, tap or whistle.  They will probably ignore you more than before. 
14. Use your waiter's name if at all possible.  They will give you special service.
15. Try not to walk out of the restaurant with the slip you wrote the tip on instead of the copy.  The waiter will get nothing.
16. Make sure that the waiter does not allow the water pitcher to touch your glass, since they are using the same pitcher for all customer's glasses.
17. If you're worried about cleanliness, check out the bathroom.  If the bathroom is gross, so is the kitchen.
18. Finally, waiters can boost their tip by lightly touching the customer, crouching nest to the table, introducing themselves by name, or drawing a smiley face on the check.  Studies have proven these four things to be effective.