It was an ordinary day. Just found a few really funny quotes that I knew most of you would enjoy, so I decided to add a second entry today and pass along the quotes for your entertainment and enjoyment. None of the quotes are mine, but I'm sure I couldn't have done any better than the ones that I found and added to my entry. Enjoy them! It was another extraordinary day in the life of an ordinary guy.
Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. Read through these funny quotes and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. There’s nothing like a funny quote to relax an audience and make them receptive to hearing what you have to say.
Funny quote on fear “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld
Funny quote on sharing in a marriage
“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher
Funny quote on having kids
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.'” —Sheila Lee
Funny quote on adulthood
“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.'” —Noelle Chatham.
Funny quote on basic furniture assembly
“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear).
Funny quote on teenage kids
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron.
Funny quote on homework
“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.'” —Larry Timmons.
Funny quote on income
“Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.'” —Michael Mcrae
Funny quote on running
“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.” —@xnatata (Natalia Skrodzki)
Funny quote on directions
“Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.” —Aaron Karo
Funny quote on medical symptoms
“WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery
Funny quote on yelling
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Funny quote on being polite
“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” —Dave Barry
Funny quote on worries
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
Funny quote on TV versus books
“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.'” —Emilia Clarke
Funny quote on technology frustrations
“I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.” —Dan Burt
Funny quote on opting out
“A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.'” —Roy Hartley
Funny quote on the Founding Fathers
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert
Funny quote on “intellectuals”
“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor.
Funny quote on former lives
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor
Funny quote on relationships
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses.
Funny quote on superstrength
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
Funny quote on language
“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian
Funny quote on carelessness
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde
Funny quote on musical ineptitude
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director
Funny quote on nature lovers
“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler
Funny quote on a world without men
“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist.
Funny quote on persistence
“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields
Funny quote on wealth
“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer
Funny quote on fate
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist
Funny quote on being narrow-minded
“He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author
Funny quote on marriage and patience
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Funny quote on spending foolishly
“Part of the $10 million went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star
Funny quote on character
“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst
Funny quote on giving up the good stuff
“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson
Funny quote on saying nothing
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln
Funny quote on know-it-alls
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer
Funny quote on man’s best friend
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humorist
Funny quote on cats vs. dogs
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer.
Funny quote on marriage and politics
“I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress
Funny quote on marrying nothing
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher
Funny quote on health books
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Funny quote on pessimism
“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist
Funny quote on false alarms
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain
Funny quote on infinity
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
Funny quote on stupidity
“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers
Funny quote on troublemakers
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis.
Funny quote on unexpected guests
“Nothing inspires cleanliness more than an unexpected guest.” —Radhika Mundra
Funny quote about prepositions
“From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.” —Winston Churchill
Funny quote about advice
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Funny quote about children with money
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Funny quote about sunscreen
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” —Jimmy Kimmel
Funny quote about errands
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous
Funny quote about job interviews
“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” —Adam Gropman
Funny quote on sunshine
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —Steve Martin
It's good to know i am not intellegemt. This early in the morning I can't even spell it correctely. What a great way to start the day, Thank you.
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