It was an ordinary day. Enjoying a few "short stories", "quotes," and "jokes" that were published in the latest edition of "The Fishwrapper" which is a publication of Little Mountain Printing. Thought you might also enjoy a few of them...so follow along and enjoy or laugh if you get a chance!
(1) "The more you practice the art of thankfulness, the more you have to be thankful for."
(2) The game warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him. "I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license. I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year!"
(3) As the first time bear hunter drove down the wooded path headed toward a new area to hunt, he came across a fork in the road with a large sign that read, "BEAR LEFT". He turned around and went home!
(4) My biggest fear is that when I die, my wife will sell my hunting gear for what I said I paid for it.
(5) I'm in an ideal relationship, the husband should be the head of the house, but the wife should be the neck. Have you tried turning your head without an okay from your neck?
(6) The orthopedic surgeon I worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. I set the display skeleton in the front seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver looked out the window. "I hate to tell you.. lady," he said, "but, I think it's too late!"
(7) I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's least favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate except for the turnips. I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with it's taste in his mouth at the end of the meal. Thoughfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
(8) I neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation. He replied, "Have you ever spent three weeks in a minivan with those you thought you loved?"
(9) "So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, " I have had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very immersive, "hie commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office offers." Mrs. Smith explained splendidly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
(10) Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?!" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm s]driving."
(11) A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked him how he enjoyed the vacation. He replied, "Have you ever spent three weeks in a minivan with those you thought you loved?"
(12) "So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained splendidly, "Oh, that was during office hours!"
(13) When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints...this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower and... on and on. He responded with, Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to one hundred?" My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and relayed, "Anyone who's ninety-nine!"
(14) By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything! You just have to remember it all!!
(15) Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."
(16) Who Supports Who? This country is composed of two kinds of people. One group believes that the government can support all the citizens. The other wonders whether all the citizens can support the government!
(17) We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. M.L.K. Jr.
(18) Gratitude is an offering precious in the sight of God, and it is one that the poorest of us can make and be not poorer but richer for having made it.
(19) Early in their marriage, my dad did something really stupid. My mom rebuked him for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget'" "It is!," she said, "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and forgotten."
(20) Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away. Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long at our house."
So...there you have 20 items to make you think a bit. Some are humorous while other are supposed to be humorous,,,but just didn't make the cut! It was another extraordinary day in life of an ordinary guy.
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